Most of my life up until about 6 1/2 years ago I felt as if I didn't fit in. I had hundreds of friends, I had a large family, I had relationships, I was outgoing, etc...but I always felt alone, misunderstood, and somewhat empty.
About 6 1/2 years ago I found myself in what some would call a rut, darkness, identity crisis. I now recognize this as a period of transition and renegotiation. I didn't think I knew what I wanted for myself, I thought if I pleased everyone else that would make me feel fulfilled, I thought if I found the right job that would pay me the right amount of money I would find happiness, I thought if I could buy the right clothes the right people would like me, I thought a lot! All of this thinking meant I wasn't feeling any of those things. I did not love myself, I wasn't good enough for the "right" job, I could never find or afford the "right" clothes and if I couldn't love myself why would anyone else, why should anyone else?!
I found myself "in transition" when I left a job that I loved for a job that I hated because it paid more money, had better hours, and it was what everyone else thought I should do. As I worked this "job" I found myself crying everyday, getting physically poked in the chest by my boss, yelled at/verbally abused, and deteriorating on a mental, emotional and physical level. I remember the day that I called my soul friend crying and begged for my previous job back. Her words were loving and real, "let's talk, you have a lot of work to do." I was scared as I felt I was going to have to show up as I had never shown up before. Meaning I would have to be better than I was at that point.
Upon meeting with her she shared with me that the work I had to do wasn't at the office. She meant I had work to do mentally & emotionally. She hired me back with the stipulation that I stop living for everyone else and start living for me. She referred me to a local (Bloomington, IL) Reiki Practitioner, Karen, that she had seen and felt that I would benefit from some me time, relaxation and support. I had never received any other treatments besides massage, pedicures, & manicures. I thought, "what do I have to lose?" So I made an appointment and went.
Well, this was not your average spa treatment I quickly realized but I went with it. I kept my clothes on, I got on this amazingly comfortable massage table, face up, on a pillow, under a cozy blanket. There were candles, dim lighting, relaxing music and a serene atmosphere. Karen was warm and inviting and I felt comfortable and at peace. She asked me to close my eyes and breath, she told me to acknowledge any thought that came into my head and then ask it to be dismissed. She ask that I render any expectations of what was to come and enjoy this next hour as a time to relax. Well, I had no choice. Within the first couple minutes of the session she laid her hands on my head and I was out! It was like sleeping but not. Before I knew it she asked me to roll over and I was out again. Long story short when the session was over she gave me feedback.
I don't remember her exact words, what I do remember is that they cut like a knife and they were dead on! She new that I was unhappy, that this was a pattern I kept replaying in my life, she called me out (lovingly) on being co-dependent, she spoke of my relationships with my parents. I could go on.... All I remember after that was that I was hooked. The days following that I gained so much clarity on what my next steps were to rectify what looked like a wreck in my life. She recommended that I commit to coming back once a week for 6 weeks. I DID! I wasn't sure how I was going to afford it, I just knew I had to!
Each time revealing more truth, wholeness, wisdom, and courage. The months after that I starting coming every two weeks and sometimes as little as once a month. At one of my Reiki appointments Karen asked me if I was expecting a child. I said I wasn't to my knowledge, but I would take a test just to be certain. Well 3 pregnancy tests later...I was certain I was! It was at this point that I started journaling and my life started to take a different shape. Every morning when I woke up all I could think about was Reiki, at night when I went to bed I thought about Reiki.
I eventually saw a sign up at the Practitioners office that said First Degree Reiki Training. The financial commitment scared me, but there was a payment plan so I signed up. Now I want you all to know through all of this I battled with what my then fiance thought of all of this "hocus pocus." I had to (I felt I had to) justify spending money on this type of commitment, and I also battled with the demons in my head saying "he won't love you if you do this... he will think that you are weird..." but there was something inside me that just had to know what was on the other side, what the possibilities were! It was hard and sometimes painful, but you see it was part of my growth, part of the layers I was working through, part of loving myself enough!
I attended the First Degree Reiki Training with Karen (my practitioner) and Richard Casey, a Reiki Master leading the way. The whole experience was different, something I had never experienced before, I met people who were like minded, I met individuals who opened my mind, and for the first time I am pretty certain I met myself! My true essence was like a present being opened very slowly by someone who didn't want to rip the paper (that would be me)!
It was at this time that my fiance and I started coaching with Richard (Life Coach/Reiki Master), who later married us! Life was changing at a fast pace with a baby on the way...yet I found myself stuck again. After my first son Hank was born I found myself seeking happiness in the form of a different job. I wanted to be closer to home, more time with family, and something that was my own. So naturally I worked for a chiropractor in Pontiac as a massage therapist. Ah, I was back to my roots in my hometown and finally utilizing my training and certification!
That lasted for about 7 months and then I found myself in a deep dark depression, more crying all the time, and lots of not loving myself. WHAT THE HECK?! So I called up Richard and started coaching again (all the while my now husband was against this and didn't understand why he couldn't make me happy and solve all of my worlds problems!) You can imagine the friction that caused; more crying, more internal battles, more yuck! But I pressed on because something inside of me knew that there was more to life! I knew that I was destined for great things!!!
I realized after weeks of Coaching that I had been telling myself I wasn't good enough, smart enough or wealthy enough to open my own massage practice. After doing the homework I found out I was wrong! I showed to numbers to my loving husband who then also thought I was crazy, but supported me through gritted teeth and BOOM we started a new adventure that is now known as True Essence Tranquility!
I opened in August and that December I took the train to St. Louis (home of Life Coach/Reiki Master, Richard Casey) and I became attuned to Reiki in the Second Degree. Want to know why? Because I had to...hahaha! I actually asked Richard if I could skip Second Degree and fast forward straight to Mastery :-) The answer was no, and after a short period of time I launched my Mastery Apprenticeship with Richard and I began holding classes here in Pontiac, IL.
I wanted to be a Reiki Master because I began seeing me in other people. I see people who are experiencing confusion, inner turmoil, the feeling like they don't fit in or are misunderstood, I see people running around not loving themselves, I see potential and I KNOW this is my purpose. My purpose is to be the vehicle that reveals your light, your beauty, your magnificence, your purpose, your highest potential! Who wouldn't want to share this gift, this love, this freaking awesome way of life and healing?????????
So when people ask me, what is Reiki? I say, it is what it is to you. In other words it is something different for everyone. But for everyone it is a vehicle that reveals wholeness, truth, freedom, and LOVE! I want to share that with you, my community and the world...because you DESERVE IT!
So why Reiki? Because with Reiki I love myself more, and now when dramas/old behaviors/ unhealthy patterns show up I stare it in the face and say, "I got this!" Instead of feeling lost, ashamed, and broken I now feel love, support, and whole!
This is my first time "blogging"...thank you for listening/reading!